Holidays

My mind was quiet for the first time that day, but it was a silence that lasted for only the briefest of moments.

That years have passed, but you laugh exactly the same

When I see you for the holidays

The song was stuck in my head. That always happens with Conan Gray’s songs. What made matters worse was that it was almost the holidays, so every time someone said ‘holidays’, my brain responded like it had one job and one job only: to bring back the chorus once more.

It was 31°C outside, but thanks to the office AC, I had to pee for the fifth time that day, not including the times I had peed at home before leaving for work. Gosh, I remember how bloated I was. I kept gulping down water in the hopes that it would ease my tummy. It made the peeing worse.

I missed our old office space — they played music throughout the building, even in the loos. It saved you the unpleasantness of having to listen to other people do their business in adjacent stalls. The playlist was pretty good too; I discovered a bunch of indie bops!

I digress. I had to pee. I was bloated. I had on skinny jeans and a white crop tee, which meant I couldn’t simply sit at my desk with my jeans unbuttoned, not without something to cover up the necessary indecency. Luckily, I had my friend’s too-big hoodie, so I put it on and zipped it up two-thirds of the way. Only then did I unbutton my jeans. It was the only way to survive the bloating.

It also meant I had to go through the tedious process of taking off the hoodie to pee — it’s hot as hell in the women’s loo and the hoodie’s much too large for comfort during bathroom activities.

Hoodie off and laid beside the washbasins, I went into the stall closest to the door. I sat down. My mind wandered — I still hadn’t gone holiday shopping for the family.

All my youth I never knew

That lifе would ever change

Here we go again.

I gave in and mumbled the chorus in the quiet bathroom.

‘What are you singing?’

I think I yelped because Kavya started to snort with laughter behind the yellow partition on my right. I hadn’t heard a sound before that.

‘KAVYA! You scared me halfway to hell!’

‘And you’ve made my day,’ she laughed some more.

She was still laughing when we reached our desks and naturally, told everyone how I ‘yelped just like a pup’.

---

That was a little after lunch, say, 2:15 PM. Of course, I needed to pee again before 4 PM. How does everyone else manage with the central air conditioning set to Antarctica!

I was making my way to the loo — warming my fingers with my breath — when Gary stopped me.

‘Hey, are you going home for the holidays?’

Not again.

I surrendered to the law of earworms and entered the muggy washroom, singing a little louder this time:

‘But wе keep on growing, didn’t think it’d show. But I see it on your face…’

‘That years have passed, but you laugh exactly the same.’ It was Zainab from Accounting. She’s a Conehead too.

‘When I see you for the holidays!’ I finished.

We both giggled. It’s nice to have a fellow fan in the office.

---

The day dragged on. Work was slow because everyone was in the Christmas spirit. They were sipping hot chocolate and playing carols over a Bluetooth speaker. Decorations were up all around the office, the pièce de résistance being a gorgeous Christmas tree standing nine feet tall in the centre of the room.

It was almost 6 PM. I wasn’t going to leave on the dot because I had to wait for Shruti. She had to pick her son up from her mother-in-law’s place. Maybe we could pick him up and go gift shopping. I decided to ask Shruti.

She was nowhere in sight. The office was starting to empty. People had come in early so they could leave early and kick-start celebrations with their families. Looking around the room, I observed — not for the first time in four years — that we had way too few women on the team. There were still some people around, but I was one of just two women. I made a mental note to have a word with HR (yet again!) on our first day back as I waved goodbye to an excited Zainab, who bolted out of the bathroom door in the direction of the front doors.

My phone buzzed. Shruti: I’m downstairs. Mom dropped Nishu off here cause her dentist’s appointment was pulled forward. Waiting for you.

Awesome. I started to pack and stopped to text back: You okay with going gift shopping? I got nothing to take home for the holidays. ☹️

Hello again, verse 2.

Shruti: Works. Now move your butt!

Grinning, I moved my butt in the direction of the women’s washroom for the final time that day.

Teachers hang up the wreaths, children sing…

I sighed. I was stuck with this song for the next week or so. I smiled. It wasn’t such a bad thing.

Years ago, that was you and me

The bathroom was cooler now with the sun sinking low. It was still a bit stinky, though.

What I’d give to once again be naive

Hoodie next to the washbasin. Stall closest to the door. Sitting in the silence broken only by my pee, I reflected on how meditative the act of urination can be.

All my youth I never knew

That lifе would ever change

I continued out loud, ‘But wе keep on growing, didn’t think it’d show. But I see it on your face…’

‘That years have passed, but you laugh exactly the same.’

My fingers hovered over the shiny flush button. My mind was quiet for the first time that day, but it was a silence that lasted for only the briefest of moments.

‘When I see you for the holidays,’ something finished.